June 25, 2018
I wrote the letter below to my grandchildren who are 18 and 21. It was to clarify some blunt advice I had given them about getting married--as in DON'T! My daughter and my 18 yr old grandchild were over for tea, to help me celebrate my 73rd birthday, yesterday and we discussed it.
Then this morning I awoke with the knowing that marriage --as it exists in our current Western (now world wide) paradigm-- can be very cancer causing.
Most marriage vows and expectations of marriage cause people to become emotionally dishonest, which distances them from their Divine Inner Being. And that is very dangerous--the most dangerous thing one can ever do. Our emotions come from our Inner Being who is the source of our life! So when we squelch them we pinch ourselves off not only from good communication with our Inner Being--the center of our existence--but also from the source of the energy that gives us life!
So as we adopt limiting beliefs--such as embedded in many marriage vows--we diminish our relationship with our Inner Being who is God and who is Truth. As the truth begins to dawn on the newly weds they begin to lie to themselves and each other. I recall that for the first two years of my own first marriage I told myself we were the happiest couple I knew. NOT! We were both very unhappy and were covering it up to ourselves, each other and the world. On the outside we looked like the perfect couple.
But emotional dishonesty or suppression leads to anger and resentment towards the partner. And if that blaming and lying to self continues long enough it can easily cause cancer. The antidote is to get honest with onesself--emotionally--and then with new self esteem make changes in your own life. Don't ask them to change. But know if you change, they will know deep inside that they must change too...or leave. And its okay if they leave, because there is nothing you got from them that you can't get better from your Inner Being. Not love, not money not companionship...nothing. And with your movement into alignment with what your Inner Being knows is Truth, your body will heal.
And if your religion or family bans separation or divorce--then it can go too. It will be replaced by an ever growing relationship with your Inner Being (God).
Below I discuss how and why I believe people very often squelch their honest emotions and pinch themselves off from their Inner Being...when they get married.
Dear Grandchildren:
I have found myself feeling concerned about what I recently said to you ...warning you to not get married. And I'd like to clarify my feelings about marriage and hopefully leave you feeling freer about it.
I believe that ALL relationships are perfect, including my own 2 marriages and your Mom's ...and everyone's. So if you ever feel strongly that you want to marry , know that you have my blessing.
I know that relationships will bring you an opportunity to learn whatever your soul wants you to learn... about yourself. That's spiritual gold and can be taken with you on your eternal journey of expansion...through every lifetime. But one must know that the other is a mirror for you in order to get the gold.
I've heard many people , upon divorce, when asked what they they learned from it , say something like, "I learned to never marry another jerk like him (her, they)!" That's not helpful. The idea is to try and discover what you learned about yourself. And below I'll talk about a good way to that.
But, to continue-- by looking at my own experience of marriages, and watching others' too, I have noticed that many people make the same mistakes that lead to much unhappiness. However, these can always be composted for new growth.
It seems to me that our culture holds up relational love as a high ideal. People strive to find it...as if it were an objective state outside of self. They believe it's just a matter of finding the right person out there...when in fact it's an inner condition of just being good at loving. We are supposed to love ourself first, and the other second.
People considering marriage seem to not realize that they (along with their Inner Being, ) are after spiritual gold for themselves, spiritual expansion first and foremost. And the more they are able to experience that, the better they become at loving themselves and others... and the more valuable they become to all...but most especially to themselves.
We are all One and hold a joint bank account into which our spiritual gold (learning more truth) goes for the use of all.
However, being in an outer-directed era of human evolution, we think that certain outer conditions will make us happy...like finding Mr. or Ms Right. ( or fame or fortune). They won't. But an Inner Condition of alignment with our Inner Being will.
We can achieve that alignment by allowing ourselves to feel and follow our deepest most honest emotions. They are messages from our Inner Being. That's inner-directedness. Using intuition helps and that's just about noticing what feels "off" and what feels "on."
But our culture puts heavy pressure on us to conform and be outer-directed like the majority are. They say we must pursue culturally approved ways of living and supposedly being happiest-- including looking for love "out-there" rather than within. They think that looking for happiness within first conflicts with getting it from the outside. WRONG!
Looking for it within (and eventually finding the all-satisfying love we all deeply desire) from Inner Being is the best insurance of having outer love find you! You will become a magnet for love.
However, in our outer-directed culture we have romanticized and exaggerated the value of outer love. When we meet someone and the feelings are powerful it is really just that they remind us of our real Inner Being and its tremendous love for us, and ours for that Beautiful Being. But we project our own Inner Being outward onto the other...and so are powerfully drawn to them.
Unfortunately ,
So it appears to me that what marriage usually does is demand a committment to NOT CHANGING and to IGNORING OUR FEELINGS if they conflict with our staying.
Freedom to explore and change and expand and grow are basic and crucial to human existence...as is emotional self- honesty and the spiritual gold it leads to.
But most times, when people make marriage vows they are trying to hold onto an outer form of marriage. They swear to only be intimate with that one other person forever...til death do us part. And they start to try and suppress honest feelings, of attraction to others, that might rock the boat...just so they can stay together forever.
Many begin to starve spiritually as they pinch themselves off from the true spiritual food they need (feeling honest emotions sent from Inner Being). Next they start to try and feed the hunger with physical food. Many put on extra weight after marriage.
They start to ignore their feelings and to lie to themselves and their partner about what they are feeling or not feeling. This creates more distance and misalignment with their wise Inner Being--their True Love. Rumi calls his "The Beloved." But then this emotional shutting down also creates distance with their partner!
So marriage has a false major premis --"This person will provide me with happiness forever." Whereas the true major premise, which most couples don't know, is that their partner came to them to be a mirror for the best and worst IN THEMSELVES. If you see something you like in your partner, know you are seeing something you like in yourself. And if you see something you don't like in your partner, go within and look for that pecadillo in yourself. Change it there...and then watch the outside change. The partner will either drop the pecadillo or...or leave! And that's okay.
So when the honey moon is over ( and the projection of the best in themselves onto other begins to be intermixed with seeing some of what they DON'T like about themselves) they are deeply disappointed. They feel angry, betrayed, let down etc. They blame the other for not being the perfect beloved (that their own Inner Being actually is!)
Then more trouble ensues: they suppress the anger and resentment and blame because that emotional honesty would certainly sink the marriage boat ...they think.
Maybe it would and maybe it wouldn't But you'll be okay either way if you stay honest.
If the couple force themselves to stay in the external form of the marriage and try to bury the resentment it often leads to cancer (or other diseases) and death. They'd rather die than continue to try to live the soul-insulting lie. And they can't give themselves permission to be honest. Guilt and shame at their "failure" complicates things further.
I have seen this first hand in my Mind Body practice, and in my own life.
So that's why I warned you against marriage. Having said that, there do seem to be a few people who really did intend to spend a lifetime together...from before they were born.And they manage to find a way to be honest with each other...and stay true to themselves.
But , for most, its all about control of others and outer circumstances and trying to wring happiness from them...and trying to make outer things provide what Inner Bring is meant to deliver.
So now even if you ignore or forget all of this above, I know that you and your Inner Being have it all under control. You'll get what you came for, no matter what your choices are.
But just know that physical or emotional pain usually means you are out of alignment with your Inner Being and they are softly inviting you towards understanding and beliefs and actions that will feel better to you.
I hope this is useful to you and that my attempt at clarification has been successful.
Love Gramma
